“Luxury dried fruit” means a mix of raisins and whatever other fruit you want – we had some sweetened dried pineapple, dried apricots and a raisin mix but you can add really anything dried you get your hands on – cherries, cranberries, blueberries, etc. Ready made marzipan means the kind with sugar added so it’s sweet enough to enjoy and can be found at a German or European grocery store. The ground almonds I found at the Italian centre but can be purchased at middle eastern stores too. Pureeing was straightforward  and rolling them was a bit sticky but also simple (E helped me).

The recipe says 25g of marzipan but I weighed out 50 g – the more the better, right? I was glad I did, they seemed just right to me. After rolling the cookies are cut in half, the marzipan ball put in side, then put back together and rolled in sugar/spice mix (I used cinnamon, ginger, cloves and nutmeg).

O was in charge of putting the marzipan balls in the cookies when cut in half. I did it with the kids in a matter of 10 minutes or so.

They were delicious and both kids got to help and it was also very fast and easy to do.

I will definitely be adding this to my Christmas cooking list. Thanks Delia!

Started with O waking up first, as usual. He wandered around a bit, reminding us it is “breskist time” and then decided it would be fun to play with the key to our wardrobe. We bought an Ikea wardrobe this summer which locks with an old-fashioned key. Oscar often takes it in the morning and we always find it in interesting places like between the couch cushions, in the kid’s secret hiding toys place or on the kid’s craft table. Today I heard a “clank” and Oscar came running … “Mommy, I put in the garbage, I sad.” Now the garbage was in my line of vision, and I could tell he hadn’t put it there. I figured it was in the kid’s stool in the bathroom which has a slit/handhold cut in the side. Finally I got up to see what he was referring to … it turns out the “garbage” was the furnace vent in the bathroom. +1 Oscar. So because we live in an apartment, I know that the vents go horizontally instead of vertically to the furnace, and sure enough when I took off the vent cover I found the key. Ok so that means Dan can continue to wear clothing, good news .

Step 2: run to the Itaian Centre for a few last minute groceries. In the past 2 years we did the classic “potato chip and champagne” pairing for New Year’s but we wanted something a bit different this time. We discussed various desserts we could purchase or make and finally decided on these awesome Portugese tarts they make there. They are full of custard and are just sweet enough to balance the egginess. I wanted to go early to make sure they didn’t sell out, so I went with Oscar first thing after breakfast. The driving was crazy … totally crazy. I don’t get it – people almost backing up into my car from the alleyways leading off Whyte, people changing lanes without signalling and people turning out of parking spots without checking for traffic (i.e. ME!). Fun times but miraculously we got there and back ok. The Italian centre was busy but they were fully staffed so things went smoothly. There was a guy making sandwiches and canapes on a table  by the deli, which was really cool. We got our tarts, some grissini, grapeseed oil (we were almost out) and some dried fruit for the kids.

We took the kids tobogganing at the nearby park but it was quite windy so we didn’t stay for too long. On the last round, Oscar went down by himself for the first time which he liked very much. We planned to go to La Poutine nearby but it was  closed, so we called D-LUX and ordered some for take out (Dan happens to know the chef is from Montreal and knew there was poutine on the menu). We even got a burger put on one of the orders. Why you ask? Turns out we had a half bottle of red wine from earlier in the week that we needed to finish off at lunch so that seemed like the best way to do it.

At home we dished out the poutine and thought it would be fun for the kids to try some pop for the first time. When I was a kid, my mom was very strict about what I had, but I was allowed to choose 4 bottles or cans of pop at Christmas and have them whenever I wanted. So we thought why not, let the kids have a try. We let them choose between ginger ale and cola, both sweetened with stevia. E chose cola, so we put it in a glass. E took one sip and said “I don’t like it” and O burst into tears. I guess that’s a good thing in a sense … they probably won’t drink pop for a long time yet, lol.

After lunch we watched “Cloudy with a chance of meatballs” which the kids enjoyed very much. It was pretty good and I loved the Mr. T cameo in it. Then after a snack we watched “Kiki’s delivery service” while making first course.

First course: loster raviloi from a local pasta producer and beurre blanc, which failed miserably the first time but worked the second time (Note: keep it of the heat most of the time once the butter is added and strain it after). Served with chilled Protos wine which we chilled in our new wine chiller (Thanks, Santa!)

Finally got the kids to bed around 9, then made the second course: Rossini (tenderloin, foie gras and truffles made with homemade demi-glace and veal stock this time) with a half bottle of red. Should have avoided that poutine at lunch … oh boy.

We watched “Tree of life” with champagne and the tarts – which was a beautiful and thought provoking film. Maybe not the best choice for  New Year’s as we were up late into the night talking about deep stuff – the movie family, childhood, and meaning – instead of partying. But it was a great night.

This morning we had mimosas with the leftover champagne, orange juice and orange blossom water. Then we took the kids tobogganing (Evelyn whined that she needed to be carried all the way home but we finally made it). Then we had fruit salad for lunch and relaxed. Yesterday’s meals were pretty crazy. Next year I think we both agree we will try tapas instead!

I can’t believe it. Oscar’s favourite things in the world are cars, trucks, trains and especially … monster trucks. How did I manage to fail him so badly? :/

I don’t know what it is about the brain of a boy, but there is some sort of irresistible draw to things with wheels (at least for Oscar). Evelyn is interested in cars as well, but only about as interested as anything else. She asked me for a car and I bought a 3 pack of hotwheels and let her have the first choice (Oscar got the other two and they have been lost and found in various places in the house over the past few months including the pantry, under the couch and in Oscar’s bed). At first Evelyn jealously guarded her car (like anything new), now she could care less about it. Oscar, on the other hand, learned the names and sounds of vehicles well before other things (like colours, animals or letters for that matter) and has always been interested in things that move.

It’s a tough thing to manage … on one hand I want to get him interested in all the other wonderful things in the world but on the other hand we can’t refuse to show an interest in what he loves either. Our path has been to acknowledge his interest in trains and cars but not actively promote it. So yes, while Oscar will keep a collection of various wheeled things with him at all times (some of which others have given him as gifts – including a “monster truck” – and others which were part of toy sets) we also bought him a soft toy fox for Christmas. He didn’t show too much interest in it and still doesn’t seem to “care” about it, but it will still be his. Hopefully one day he will be able to make up stories that involve Mr. Fox, cars and other toys too.

**Breaking news … as I write this post, Oscar broke his monster truck toy. I had to take it away to avoid him hurting himself with it (darn it all!). It was also another opportunity to explain the difference between well made things and poorly made things, at least. Oscar was sad but he’s not attached on a soul-mate level with any of his toys (like Evelyn), so he will be fine. He’s already moved on, 5 minutes later.

In the meantime, we try to expose him to positive boy role models who show compassion, love, caring and intelligence as well as an interest in the world around then. Oliver Jeffer’s books have been particularly great in this aspect, as is Harold from the original Harold and the Purple Crayon. Oscar notices boys in the kids books and knows he is one too, so he observes them very closely. He also asks after his uncles, male cousins and grandfathers more often than female family members and he adores his dad.

~

Evelyn and I had an interesting experience recently. We were shopping for groceries in the nearby grocery store when Evelyn discovered the bin of Beanie babies (or whatever toys they sell in grocery stores these days). She somehow found a plush dolphin among all the animals. Evelyn loves sea animals, ever since the first day she decided she loved Little Whale. We thought we lost LW in the park one day (he was hidden in the front closet) and Evelyn said to me that if we couldn’t find him that she would like to have a “soft toy dolphin” someday. Which was a good thing since we tried to find an exact replacement for LW everywhere and have never found one. So when we ordered the kid’s toys this Christmas, we bought a dolphin as well. We decided to keep it for a future emergency with LW (either him getting lost or so worn out that the stuffing started to come out) and kept him in the closet.

So back to the grocery store … I explained to E that it was a nice dolphin but we were not getting that particular one and that choosing a toy is a big decision. I told her that she should look at lots of other ones like it before choosing that one. Of course none of this helped the situation at all, and she ended up sitting on the ground in the checkout line with tears rolling down her face. I mentioned at one point that she could buy her own toys when she received an allowance. By chance, Evelyn had found a penny on the ground earlier that day and told me in a firm voice that she would “save up the penny so that she could buy a dolphin of her own”.

Two things came of this. First, when we got home I gave her the toy dolphin that we were keeping and she absolutely loves it. Second, I think she might be ready for an allowance. We will have to give it a try. I’m thinking something small like $2 a week which she can either save or spend on anything she wants (no, that’s a total lie – not anything, but anything we don’t completely disapprove of).

• Walnut oil
• eggs
• natural peanut butter
• balsamic and italian and mustard vinaigrettes
• peanut butter no-bake cookies
• mascarpone, feta, brie, cheddar cheese
• salted and unsalted butter
• shortening
• goose fat
• 5 kinds of jam
• cheap caviar
• foie gras
• garlic head
• shallots
• onions
• grated real parmesan cheese
• 3 kinds of dry yeast (+ fresh yeast frozen in the freezer)
• heavy cream
• buttermilk
• coffee cream
• milk
• water
• juice
• yogurt
• sourdough culture
• beef tenderloin
• agugula
• tahini
• olives
• 3 kinds of miso paste
• potatoes
• broccoli
• pineapple
• carrots
• celery
• cucumber
• herbs: a bit over the top with sage, basil, oregano, thyme, rosemary, mint and chives
• lemons
• ketchup
• tomato paste
• sparkling water
• maple syrup
• bbq sauce
• white cooking wine
• fish sauce
• shaoshang wine
• mirin
• pickled peperonici peppers
• pickled jalapeno peppers
• sambal olek
• asian garlic chili sauce
• vegetable, chicken and beef stock
• anchovies
• capers
• mayonnaise
• american, whole grain and dijon mustard
• pickles
• mango chtuney
• pizza oil from Provence

Reading this, I wonder how we fit it all in there. No wonder there is never enough room for leftovers!

We recently read this article and had a good laugh. I think we definitely fit into the “Europhile” category. “Nuuuutella”. Enough said.

Here’s my own list of the signs you might be a foodies:

• When your kids play with toy cars and trains, they always are “going out to get groceries”
• The kids get Valrhona chocolate nibs in their Advent calender (which you buy in 3 kg bags at the local chocolate shop every 6 months)
•  You have Nutella and Dutch toast sprinkles in the cupboard for the kid’s birthday breakfast
• You spend twice as long planning a meal as you do eating it
• You have an emergency stash of thyme and Italian parsley in the fridge, just in case. And maybe an eggplant.
• You get angry when you can’t find fresh basil
• You have over 20 cookbooks in your bookshelf
• You buy a cookbook or cooking tool for your significant other’s Christmas gift (this year: Mastering the Art of French Cooking)
• You’ve made a boquet garni at least once. Using a leek layer, not a muslin.
• When you re-visit a city on a trip, the second trip is ALL about the food
• Foie gras or cured duck is a welcome addition to any special meal
• You have eaten a pound of steamed mussels at a restaurant once
• You have at least 4 kinds of vinegar at home including the “good” and “cooking” balsamic vinegar.

Totally ridiculous and 100% true.

Getting out of our parkade, however, is another story. The ramp that leads out to the street is very steep and the angle at which it intersects the road is impossibly sharp. That means that cars that are low to the ground (like ours) will scrape the undercarriage unless some fancy manouvering is done. Dan calls is the “shuttle re-entry”. Basically what one has to do is go up the ramp, turn the car at the last minute to bring the two wheels on one side over the edge of the parkade, bring the other front wheel over and then finally the back wheel. This is done simultaneously as the following:

1. watching for other cars who are exiting/entering at the same time
2. listening to the kids whine they don’t like the music we put on
3. repeatedly pressing the button on the keychain fob to keep opening the parkade door, which sometimes decides to start closing right after it reaches the top
4. avoiding little 80 year old ladies who think the alley is a sidewalk, or groups of Korean exchange students who also think the alley is a sidewalk and walk even slower than the 80 year old ladies
5. avoiding entire families (with strollers!) who think the alley is a sidewalk
6. watching for and avoiding garbage and recycling trucks
7. watching for and avoiding drivers who use the alley as a shortcut to avoid one way streets in the neighbourhood (and some of them drive recklessly fast, clearly not noticing the FLASHING BLUE light that is activated when the parkade door opens, the fact that a CAR is coming out of the parkade or the possibility that someone might be pulling out of the parking lot of the next door building).
8. not get blinded by the low-in-the-sky southerly winter sun

Yes, I am serious. At least one of these happens every time we go out of our parkade! Not surprisingly, we have had a few “incidents”. Fortunately, never with people or other cars (we’re always very cautious when we leave) … just with the parkade itself. The first thing that happened was we scratched some kind of plastic cover off the bottom of the car. Replaced it and scratched it off again. Dan broke off the part and as far as we can tell the car isn’t any worse off, so whatever.

The second thing that happened was I had a little “accident” going into the parkade once. Our strategy was to hug the wall when entering the parkade to allow as much angle as possible, but I got a bit too close and scratched the side of the car. Badly. Like insurance claim badly. This week Dan had to avoid an oncoming garbage truck and had another incident, for which we will need to put in another insurance claim.

When I call the insurance company or get a quote (or make a police report, which I had to do for the first accident because it was over $2000) people just don’t believe me. They furrow their eyebrows and squint their eyes trying to picture it. It makes us look totally ridiculous! Seriously, who can’t get out of their parkade without scratching the car anyway??

Parkade, I hate you! (and I love you)

In 2006 I got a call that my mother was going to the hospital for emergency surgery and that she only had a 50% chance of surviving (see the full story here if you really want to know details). So I packed my suitcase, booked a flight and took a taxi at 5 in the morning, not knowing how things were going and without any sleep. I almost missed my connection in Toronto but arrived in Calgary. Needless to say packing wasn’t my highest priority.

After all the events of the week, I was left in a state of shock. Being the only child in my family, it was up to me to decide what to do with my mother’s clothing, furniture, kitchen items, car and apartment. I was staying with my aunt who kindly cared for me while I dealt with everything. I have asthma (which I gather was fairly serious as a child although it is generally well managed now) and my aunt smokes and also was caring for my mother’s dog. Needless to say my asthma was getting pretty bad. I decided I would stay at my mother’s apartment for a night to go through her things and also get a break from the allergens. I have to say my mother was a heavy smoker and ALL of her items were heavily saturated in third hand smoke (yes, it does exist). The more I worked, the worse my breathing got. By about 11 PM Dan and I decided to go for a walk outside to get some fresh air, and after about a block I said “I need to walk to the hospital.” so we did.

They checked my oxygen saturation on intake (which was fine) and the intake nurse was really kind to us. When I went into the ER a nurse took my history and I explained about the events and the emergency situation. I guess she didn’t bother to tell the doctor or write it down on the chart (or he didn’t read it), because he came and gave me a lecture about how I didn’t pack my aerochamber. Yes, the FIRST thing that was on my mind at 3 in the morning when I was trying to get my credit card limit increased to book a flight to see whether my mom was still alive the next day was … “where’s my aerochamber?”. Needless to say he probably looked at me and thought “irresponsible” and “waste of health care resources” while I thought he was insensitive and too lazy or self-important to ask me why I didn’t have it.

So … yes patient centered care does matter. You never know what someone is going through unless you ask. The doctor could have explained how it’s a good idea to keep an aerochamber available at all times (without being judgmental) or could have given me advice on other therapies I could have taken or places I could have gone (e.g. pharmacy, clinic) to get advice for my worsening asthma. Although this was both frustrating and disappointing, it was a good lesson in what NOT to do. I hope I can be more empathetic to patients I encounter in the future than this person was to me!

Ok time to study for my midterm now…

The answer is not simple and I warn you now – it will probably offend a few people and step on some toes. But please read on, this is something I’ve come to feel quite strongly about.

The first reason we are hesitant about school is that if all goes well I will graduate from my professional program in 3 years at which point Evelyn will be 7 years old. If she’s started school at 6 then we’d be moving away after only one year of school which I think would be quite disruptive for her. I have no idea where we will end up – BC? Alberta? Montreal? France? (please yes!) and have no idea what kind of educational options will be available. So if we did decide to homeschool her after a year of public school the transition would probably be hard for both her and us. So we feel like our nomadic situation makes homeschooling a more stable choice.

The other reasons deal more with the school system itself. I’ve watched Evelyn as she has grown up from a baby who cried all the time to an amazing child. I’ve watched her stack towers of blocks, all arranged in the same orientation at 1 year old, learn her alphabet by the same age, talk like a grown up at age 2, teach herself how to write letters and now she’s starting to learn spelling and phonics (mostly by her own motivation with a help from us) at age 4. Did I ever sit down and drill her? Occasionally, with disastrous results! When we let her take the lead and when we take advantage of her questions to teach her things, she does it on her own. Amazing! Do I have the smartest kid in the world? No! Am I an excellent teacher? No! ALL kids learn like this. Unfortunately, it’s getting hard to allow children the opportunities to learn on their own. There are a lot of factors that contribute to this and I have no wish to list them all here, but two examples would be these: 1) our societal push for early literacy … preschoolers are now expected to know the alphabet and write, which was not the case when I was a child, and 2) our preoccupation with getting kids into organized activities (which themselves can be great) … but the problem comes with too many activities. Think of the “Tiger Mom” book – Mrs. Chua had her daughters so scheduled they were never able to spend half a day with their grandmother. Their grandmother constantly expressed a wish to spend a few hours with them and never had that wish fulfilled because the girls were going from one lesson to another every day of the year. To me, that’s a great tragedy. Anyway, I digress. We DO NOT ALLOW for free time, for creative exploration or self learning. Children who are not able to sit and learn are labelled as “problems” or maybe even diagnosed with a learning disorder or ADHD.

I struggled enormously with Evelyn as a baby and as a child. She seeks out patterns, loves to organize things, hates to stop an activity unless she was ready and likes to do things her own way. We had a LOT of conflicts over daily tasks (just ask me about brushing her teeth sometime). I have to tell you that at one point I honestly thought she might have autism. I got a referral and had Evelyn assessed. No, she does not have autism. This is who she is and how she learns. Now that she’s mature enough to understand that she’s not the centre of the universe and understand her situation in our family, things have improved quite a bit. But my experiences with Evelyn made me realise she’s not the kind of person who will easily conform to the will of others, follow what others are doing or do things without asking herself “why should I?” first. She’d definitely be the “difficult” child in daycare. I can only imagine the conversations I would have had if she were in daycare as a young child.

Our interest in education has had deep roots. My education and Dan’s education were shockingly different and deeply influential on both of us. I attended elementary school in a wealthy suburb and had, for the most part, good teachers who loved their job, truly wanted us to learn and in some cases truly loved the subject they taught. My PE teacher loved sports and my art teacher was an artist herself. I was lucky enough to get into an advanced program in high school which probably saved me from making choices based on my financial situation rather than my dreams. Dan’s schooling on the other hand was far from positive (one teacher told him he’d never make it past grade 9). It’s not my place to discuss details of it here, but you can take my word that school was not a positive environment for him. Dan has frequently expressed his anger and the feeling that he was “cheated out of a better future”.

Another source of interest for us was a book one of our housemates read (we shared a living space with two other people for a few years which was both challenging and rewarding and it was an experience from which I learned a lot). The book was called “Why Gender matters” which addresses some great concerns over how boys are treated and taught in today’s society. We saw another book by the same author (Boys Adrift) in a local bookshop and picked it up. It opened our eyes to some of the shortcomings of our education system. If you want the gist of the book, visit http://www.boysadrift.com/. At this point I was thinking more of Oscar than Evelyn but it planted a seed of doubt in my mind about turning my kids over to the education system.

An article which also fueled our thoughts in this area was an essay called “Against School” by John Taylor Gatto. Someone gave a copy to Dan while we were living in Montreal. We both read it and found it challenging, interesting and flagged it for future investigation. You can read it here http://www.wesjones.com/gatto1.htm.

Our decision to put Evelyn in preschool has also become part of our journey on education. We decided Evelyn really needed to be around other children, as we had only rare contact with family or friends that have children Evelyn’s age after our move to Edmonton. We felt that if she did have something like autism, being around other children might help her to be more social, learn interactions and social norms and maybe even help her to eat new foods (peer pressure!). We investigated the local Waldorf school on the recommendation of a friend and fell in love after our 30 minute visit to the preschool class. We enrolled Evelyn the same week and she’s going to start her second year in a few days. Do you see the irony that I’m writing “against” school here and yet Evelyn is in preschool?

Being in a Waldorf community provides a breath of fresh air. I feel like the environment and philosophy of the school matches with our values well. This is not about becoming a close follower of the founder of Waldorf or anything of the sort, but more about the value the program places on teaching children to respect one another, respect nature, valuing their personal creativity, and providing them a mixture of structure and free time. It’s also about encouraging children to take responsibility for their actions, creating an environment with only natural materials (which urban children have little contact with these days), a commercial free environment (no clothing with logos or cartoon characters is allowed and children are encouraged to not watch television before coming to class). If I were to dream up a preschool I would not come up with one better than this.

Part of the Waldorf philosophy is a great emphasis on play. Dan recently took several books out of the library including 1) “Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul” by Stuart L Brown 2) “The case for make believe: Saving Play in A Commercialized World” by Susan Linn 3) “Einstein never used flash cards: How Our Children Really Learn–and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less” by Kathy Hirsch-Pasek 4) “The Unprocessed Child: living without school” by Valerie Fitzenreiter and 5) Gatto’s “Weapons of Mass instruction” (see http://johntaylorgatto.com/). I felt like I gained quite a bit of insight (and hopefully more patience with my kids) from reading these and I’d encourage everyone to read them at some point as well. Even if you’re just out of school yourself and kids may or may not be part of your future. This is information that is critical to our understanding of how children think and also what they need to be moulded into caring, thoughtful, intelligent and creative adults.

For a 20 minute summary of some of the points from this book, this TED talk does an excellent job http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html. The film “Waiting for Superman” also addresses some of the shocking conditions in the US school system. I also highly recommend anyone to watch this film.

So what finally spurred me into writing this blog was an article posted by one of my high school friends who is an elementary teacher. Please read it as well: http://www.cnn.com/2011/09/06/living/teachers-want-to-tell-parents/index.html

I read this article just as I finished reading “Weapons of Mass Instruction” and could not help but feel greatly disappointed and saddened that we have come to the situation where parents and teachers are actually fighting against each other (just read a few of the comments on this article, you will see what I mean). For whatever reason, whether it is by design or accident or maybe a bit of both, we seem to have created a situation where parents mistrust teachers and teachers despise parents – and I expect the kids are paying the price for this. I don’t think either party is at fault, although I do believe there are areas where both have made mistakes. Parents: I agree with the author of this article that you have to stop making excuses for your kids. Hold them to high standards and let them face the consequences of their actions and mistakes. Don’t be so quick to blame the teacher. Teaching is a very demanding job and they’re doing what was traditionally OUR jobs FOR us. Be respectful. Teachers: don’t be so quick to label children as “having a behaviour problem”. Children are individuals as much as adults and need a safe environment in which to express themselves, understand the world and find meaning. Additionally, using language like that naturally invokes a defensive response, as it is an aggressive statement. Maybe it’s time that teacher education include some basics on how to handle conflict and deal with situations assertively. Even in Pharmacy school we had a few lectures on that and I’d fail a clinical lab if I used that kind of phrasing. Making enemies out of parents is not the way to solve this problem. I digress. I think it’s the problem lies in the way the system is set up. We’re factory farming our kids and children do not all conform to this system. Some kids DO. I did. But that does not mean it works for the rest of them. I truly believe for many kids their “problems” arise more from their distaste of always being told what to do, trained to memorize and regurgitate, the social context of their schoolmates, and natural desire to get up and use their bodies more.

The end result of all this is that we’re very heavily leaning toward homeschooling and/or unschooling Oscar and Evelyn. This is not to say that structured education has no value. Not at all. People don’t become scientists or athletes or dancers without training. Intensive training is needed to accomplish these things. We need a system of instruction and mentorship. But as one Gatto put it, do we need to enact the farce of re-teaching our children colours, days of the week and the alphabet in elementary when they’ve already learned it? Do we need to put our children under tremendous pressure to “get into the right schools” and pass standardized tests? Do we need to teach them to conform to authority by putting them through 12 years of schooling? Please struggle with these questions as you look at your own education or think about how you might educate your real or hypothetical children.

We’re fortunate to be in the situation where we’ve been given opportunity to do so. Our situation arose out of circumstances beyond our control (and not without a price to pay; my mother’s preventable death from lower esophageal cancer lead us to where we are now). Most families don’t have a choice, either due to time or financial constraints or family situations and it’s for this reason I really desire to see a change in how we address children’s education as a society, as parents and as teachers. In the meantime I hope this blog post has planted some seeds for though for you and that we can all make informed decisions about the value of education and what we want our kids to learn.

Pretty much since Oscar was born we’ve been going from one crisis to another. Seriously, moving across the country, leaving my job & career without knowing whether I was accepted to school, having Oscar by C-section 6 weeks before the move … I guess we don’t go easy on ourselves, do we? Well once we were settled in Edmonton Oscar’s sleep troubles began and lasted until he was about 8 months old. I’ve never been so exhausted and short-tempered in my whole life. I remember losing it one night with Oscar’s non-stop crying and neediness and hitting the bed screaming “leave me alone”!. Not my best moment as a parent. During this time we continued to struggle getting Evelyn to eat anything other than cereal and crackers and experienced some terrible, stressful mealtimes. Oh and my kids HATED each other. We used to call it “clash of the titans”. Like when I would set Oscar down at the table he’d immediately start screaming which would get Evelyn screaming which would make him scream more. They took a long time to learn how to play “together” or at least play separate toys in the same room. At times I’d say under my breath “Tell me why WHY I ever thought to have 2 kids!”

This past winter was horribly long, cold and drawn out. The kids were cooped up together in our place with nowhere to go (when it was warm enough to play outside, Oscar would refuse, throwing himself on the ground). To make matters worse, Oscar would get into a ton of trouble at home and anywhere we would go, including our only refuge, the library. Summary = this winter sucked.

But slowly, things have become better. Oscar sleeps through the night (he occasionally wakes up for a drink of water, which I practically do sleepwalking now). Oscar is now talking (Oscar, I love love love your talking, I could listen to your talking all day!). Just today Oscar told me he saw a “big truck” and “a big digger” and he wasn’t just saying those words because he likes trucks and diggers but because he really did see them on the way home from picking up Evelyn at school. He can copy pretty much any simple word we use now and has simple sentences (my favourtite: “I made coffee. Yummy!”). And yes, he’s even started pretending things and making stories.

Evelyn has grown into a beautiful girl who is intelligent and sensitive. She’s always so kind and patient around other kids and has an amazing imagination. For example, when we had some storm clouds came through recently Dan mentioned in passing they looked “angry”. Evelyn asked me: “Mommy, what does it mean for clouds to be angry?” and I explained about how storms can have a lot of energy and break things. She came up with her own explanation: “The baby clouds have a lot of energy and act silly. The mommy clouds get irritated and cranky and that’s what a storm is.” Too funny.

My kids actually hugged each other this week. This has never happened! Evelyn tried to hug Oscar a few times when he was little but he always thought she was going to hurt him and would fight to get away. It just about broke my heart to pieces when I saw them hugging for this first time. I feel like we’ve come through the worst of times with our kids and that our life is getting back to normal.

I’m done school and I am working for the summer, so my typical day looks something like this:

• 6:00 wake up
• 7:30 breakfast
• 8:00 work
• 5:00 supper
• 6:00 trip to local park in the beautiful evening sunset
• 7:00 get kids ready for bed

So I don’t think I want summer to end, ever. I feel like I’ve fallen in love with my kids as a family and that I can finally handle the trials and tribulations of parenthood without getting knocked on my ass.

Keep hugging, kids.

Dan’s always picking up books from the library and I’ve read quite a few parenting books this way, not counting the ones we own. Dan happened to bring two home recently. One is called “Free range kids”. Dan’s summary: “It’s written by this lady who abandoned her kid on the New York Subway”. “Oh? I thought. Crazy lady…alright well let’s take a look and see what kind of preachy parenting nonsense I have to swallow now…” The other book I read was called “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” which many people have heard of, or if nothing else at least the controversy surrounding it.

First: “Free range kids.” Tuns out I liked this book. A lot. Actually I’d say if you had to read or buy just one parenting book, this would be the one. Yes, seriously. And I’m not saying this because it’s some kind of slacker “let your kids express themselves but you’re not doing it right” kind of trend – it’s not.

First, to clarify about the subway: her son was 9 at the time, and had asked his mom repeatedly to let him find his way home from somewhere in New York (where they live). She knew her son, knew the city and at one point decided he was ready. She didn’t just walk off and leave him – she gave him $20, some quarters, a subway pass and a map. And sure enough, he made it home, brimming with pride.

So why is this controversial? Well apparently public transit is “dangerous”. After writing about her son’s experience, experts labelled her as “America’s worst mom”. I remember someone (I have no idea who, if it happens to be you gentle reader please do not be offended) mentioning that BAD parents don’t drive their kids to school, they let them take the bus. I and many people I know grew up taking the school bus (and later public transit) to school and I can’t imagine it being any different. I certainly didn’t feel it was unsafe. I’ve taken the New York subway, Paris Metro, Montreal Metro, London Underground, and whatever it’s called in Rome and Copenhagen. I took Evelyn on the Paris Metro and the New York subway. Didn’t feel unsafe at all. Anyway I digress.

So why do I like this book? Well first, it pokes fun at some of the neurotic nonsense in “experts” books like “What to expect when you are expecting” and “The Happiest Toddler/baby/whatever on the block.” and so forth. Don’t get me wrong, having baby/parenting books with useful information in them is great – like what to do if your baby gets a fever, how to swaddle, and looking through the pages (over and over and over) about colic and crying. Or getting different viewpoints on time outs, eating issues and education. But sometimes these so-called experts come off as a bit preachy with their unattainable goals of perfectly balanced, understanding yet firm, nutritionally healthy, meeting your kids’ daily quota of exercise, intellectual learning and creativity, give your baby a pacifier, no don’t give your baby a pacifier bla bla bla parenting. To loosely paraphrase from “Free Range Kids”, it’s enough to give you a complex that if you don’t commiserate in exactly the right with your kid’s broken cracker (“Oh, I am so sad you cracker is broken honey. You must be very frustrated”.) they will turn out to be a crack dealer. The main premise is that you as a parent are well-equipped to make decisions on behalf of your child. So ignore the experts who will always find some fault with you, use common sense and don’t panic. Evaluate the real risks, reduce them (think helmets and seatbelts) and control the real risks that you can.

Second, it reminds us that as parents we cannot continue to coddle our children. They need to face and overcome challenges, do things on their own and figure things out. Throughout the book are numerous examples of how Americans (and Canadians and other Western cultures) over-react about supposed dangers and this book puts many of them in perspective. Like how parents are too scared to let their kids walk to school out of fear they will be abducted, yet in reality the two highest risks to children’s health are care accidents and drowning (pools, rivers, tubs etc). It describes how we take it to the point where kids rarely have the chance to leave the house and just play anymore or even watch dangerous things like episodes Sesame street that aired in the 80s. This is not a good thing.

Third, research is suggesting that many aspects of personality may be genetic. You don’t have to tell me – I carried a jumping bean around inside me for 9 months who I swear almost broke my ribs with a well placed kick (aka Evelyn). Listening to Evelyn’s earth shattering cries at 2 days old compared to that of other babies gave me a hint of this. This is NOT to say parenting is not important – clearly it is. We see what happens to children who are abused or unloved. But maybe the neurotic worrying that we tend to do as parents (“Oh, she’ll never have self confidence/eat vegetables/do well in school because I did X”) is misguided.

The book is full of anecdotes which put things in perspective. The one I appreciated the most was about a poor Italian boy who was an orphan, taken by a thief claiming to be his uncle and forced to be a pickpocket, beaten and underfed. He overheard that he was to be injured to become a cripple/beggar and earn more money. So he ran off with some friends to the US while still in his teens, started a business and made a life for himself. It’s these kind of stories, that while of course nobody would want to reproduce, show us the maturity and resilience of children when the need arises.

In addition, “Free Range kids” is a good laugh and is very affirming of one’s ability to parent. I found it a bit too flippant at times, but I really appreciated her chapters on how children are raised in other places in the world which put some of our cultural values and taboos in an interesting light.

So on to “Tiger Moms” … apparently this book raised a lot of controversy because it comes off as racist and cruel. It’s basically about a Chinese mom who wanted to raise her kids in a “Chinese” way meaning setting very high expectations of her daughters in terms of schoolwork, attitudes and actions, and most prominently in the book, music. This entails doing things we would consider shocking like rejecting her daughter’s homemade birthday cards, forcing her kids to take music lessons which could go as long as 6 hours at a time (on bad days) and screaming matches with her younger daughter (more on that later) which could include threats like “If you don’t practice piano I will BURN ALL OF YOUR TOYS”.

Honestly, I’m surprised so many people found this so shocking. I guess it didn’t come as much of a surprise to me, having been around Chinese families for a good part of my adult life. I remember occasions overhearing interactions between parents and their children very similar to this. Although I don’t speak Mandarin, the tone and body language is enough to interpret a typical scene: Kid runs up to her mother “Mommy, mommy look what I…” Mother: “Shut up! Can’t you see I am speaking to Mrs. X? How disrespectful! Don’t bother me!” And no it’s not just because Mandarin is a tonal language. It’s a cultural difference regarding the roles of children and parents, requiring respect for adults and authority figures and high expectations. And it’s not just “Chinese” as she points out – it’s any parent who sets these kind of rules and goals in their house. I think of Dan’s grandmother raising 8 kids after surviving a war and immigrating to Canada without speaking English. You can believe it when I say there were a few whacks to the kids heads to straighten them out.

Mrs. Chua does poke a lot of fun at so-called Western parenting, the hand-wringing, neurotic parenting where parents seemingly have no control over what their children do (see above). Maybe a bit too much. But it’s a refreshing look at some of our current beliefs – for example, the current belief that any and all effort should be praised (“Good job on your B- honey” or “Yaay we’re all winners in this soccer game!”) and bribes used to encourage positive traits and activities (“You can have ice cream if you practice piano for 30 minutes a day”). Or school “activities” which actually require parents to do a ridiculous amount of work (examples given in the book include cooking “authentic” medieval recipes or finding “authentic” Ecuadorian relics for the kids to bring to school).

Mrs. Chua describes her wish to not spoil her kids and to let them know what hard work is like. So her daughters would take out the garbage, carry laundry and when they would go on a trip, the girls would carry their own luggage. Hardly anything compared to the 3rd world, but the premise echoes that in “Free Range kids” – kids are tough and resilient and a bit of hard work (not rewarded with a treat or allowance money either!) might actually be helpful.

Her description of her battles with her younger daughter over practicing piano (and later violin) are at times painful to read. Her second daughter reminds me a lot of Evelyn. Strong willed, spirited, wanting to do things her own way. Mrs. Chua tried to introduce her daughter to the piano at the age of 3. When her daughter repeatedly disobeyed her request and mashed the keys, she eventually put her outside the house in winter with the expectation that she’d smarten up right away. Tiger mom quickly became aware of her daughter’s stubbornness when she refused to come back inside … Mrs. Chua’s anger and resolve quickly turned to worry and strategies on how to get her daughter in the house and not freeze to death. Reminds me of when I had to leave to take my Dad to the bus station. I told Evelyn she could come if she went to the washroom, but she had to do it right away as I needed to leave. Well she didn’t listen, I left and from what I heard, she got in the elevator, when down to the ground floor and tried to follow me on foot. Dan managed to get her back upstairs and she screamed in the hallway for 15 minutes. Can’t imagine what our neighbours thought of us…

Her descriptions of the kicking and screaming fights from getting her young daughter from the bedroom to the piano certainly sounded familiar to me. All I could think was “Lady, imagine that happening every time you tried to put your daughter to bed. Or brush her teeth. Or go out…” you get the idea. I guess that’s one reason I couldn’t be a Tiger mom, even if I wanted to – I don’t have the energy to push for things like ridiculously precocious literacy or musical prodigy – I’m just tired from the daily grind! Also her descriptions of getting up at 5:00 every day, drilling her daughters, and never having time for fun certainly don’t appeal to me. Yes, unlike Mrs. Chua I do believe childhood is a time for kids to be kids and have fun.

What made this book interesting (and a lot less smug than it could have been) is her continual struggle with her youngest daughter to play a musical instrument. By the end of the book it becomes clear to the reader that if she continued on her all out war path to force her daughter to be an accomplished violinist, she would have undoubtedly lost her daughter. It takes a lot of guts and humility to admit that maybe you weren’t right. No, this is not a “wow I was so wrong, how could I have been so blind” kind of admission, but “I wonder, should I have kept pushing? Or did I make the right choice?” kind of indecision, which is the reality of parenting. In the end, her daughter quits the violin and takes up tennis. The sad thing is that she loved playing the violin, but not under her mother’s constant, watchful and critical eye.

The main conclusion, which I greatly appreciated, basically came to this: in “Western” culture we think we are giving children choices where we are actually just following along with popular culture and what others are doing. When we fail to question the norms, try different things or do things our own way this is the opposite of giving our kids choice. While I am certainly not espousing her “success at any cost” approach, I think we need to take a critical look at how we currently raise our kids, weed out the junk and keep what is good. We need to be constantly thinking about our choices, evaluating them and making changes.

Funnily enough, this is also the conclusion I drew from “Free Range kids” which on the surface seems like a radically different book. Both parents have a totally different approach to parenting which is different again from mine, but the basic premise is the same. I appreciated both books, took things from both and threw out the things that would’t work for my family. After all, Dan and I decide how to care for our kids, whether it agrees with expert opinion or not. So there.